Good morning October

I am back!
sigh my head really hurts from all that studying…
How I wish that we all don't have to study.

Recently, I became 16. I'm sort of happy and sad, for a few reasons I guess. I'm thankful to everyone who wished me :) this year i think I can safely say that I was pretty satisfied with my birthday compared to the past few years. And haha I'm a legal kid now hohoho. Unfortunately NC-16 movies aren't exactly my type.
I am happy to have my friends. God has placed them by my side. :)

But I was a little bitter about becoming 16. I'm not a child anymore, and no more acting cute or being silly because maturity is to self-image as actions are to behaviour. I was "15 for a moment" hahaha.
but the thing is, what if I don't want to grow up? I think I never did fantasise about becoming an adult, though I liked teenage clothes and whatever kind of interesting (but nonsensical) stuff that the media made me think being an adult was. I have to admit, I'm afraid to become an adult because I'm afraid that the world will once again change to the extent that I cannot cope with it.

I have experienced this once. When I graduated from GEMS to DARE. The change was so dramatic, I hated it all. And I ran away, but it never did solve anything, and eventually, I had to come back. Sometimes, I find myself perpetually thinking about my past, my childhood, and then I turn bitter when I realised how carefree I was back then. Even if people told me that my "don't bother attitude" was not a good thing, at least I was worry-free and I couldn't care less.

But why do I care so much now? I care about everything, my face, my body, my intelligence, my talent-and the world made me see my lack in them all. Why did it suddenly become so difficult to trust everyone? I want to trust Jesus, but my mind is so overwhelmed by everything sometimes I just feel so drained and unable to do anything. I wish I could literally sit back and let him do the work for me, but no, I still have to study, I have to spend wisely, I have to eat healthily, I have to…I have to… It all becomes "I have to" and somehow it's very difficult.

What is truth? Is truth what the majority believes or is truth something that we won't actually know about? I feel so lost at times. I try to console myself by telling myself that it will all be okay, but my heart can become weak and my soul, dry.

I cast all my care upon HIM, I lay all of my burdens down at HIS feet. I really do hope that by saying this, Jesus will help me and just heal my weary soul. I want to feel at rest and at peace always.

I hope that my birthday wish will come true. Many people would like to think that a girl my age would wish for things like "oh I hope he will like me back", "I do want to become prettier" or "I want to be the most popular girl at school".
I confess, these thoughts do cross my mind every now and then. After all, I still am a kid. I don't think that I'm the wisest of my age, (though I secretly wish I were) but I know that the present requires something far more important than all these. And although I tell my friends childish things, I rarely actually worry about them first.

Worrying is a sin, so I do hope I will never worry again.
I would like to think that every time I sigh, there is someone that catches it and is there to hold my heart and tell me "It's alright". I hope that I actually can hear His voice. My mind speaks pretty loud in my head too.

Yes, I would like to look back at these things that I am writing now and smile, because I know that I am no longer burdened by them.

After all, they say He can make my scars of today the Stars of my tomorrow.

A butterfly landed.3:37 AM
I love the way you are.♥