HELLO SEPTEMBER

So...it's September?
boy that was quick.
since when was it even 2012?
I remember everything like yesterday. All the silly chat about how the world was gonna end, the facebook trend, primary school, it all seems like a dream. Many things make me wonder about how my life would have been if it weren't for everything that had happened up til now.
Sometimes I ask God why I was ever born because it seems as though i've never actually been able to do anything that i really want. at least, up til now.
when I was a kid, i knew little about everything, so i said I would be a hairdresser. but I never actually learnt how to tie my hair until I was 12 years old. even now, I don't know how to do elaborate and pretty braids and such.
so then, I watched TV and saw kids my age, some younger. then I told myself I wanted to become an actress and be on TV like those kids and be famous and meet lots of people. But it never happened, in fact, i'm conversely a relatively uninteresting person whom my schoolmates don't even bother with.
when I was 9 years old, i joined the school choir, and i heard this girl who was two years older than me sing "colours of the wind". So I told myself that i'd sing, but it didn't happen because I was always just one voice among many voices that didn't really stand out.
then I realised that i did ballet and dance so I could become a dancer. But my mom always told me that I couldn't dance, that I only danced to look pretty. I felt condemned and unworthy. So i quit.
And all along, I played the piano, I loved music...so one day, when I was 12 years old, I decided that I would go to SOTA and pursue the arts and become a true blue musician.
but things took a turn for the worse, because my confidence diminished when I realised that I wasn't THAT talented after all, and the school...I'm just one of its many faceless students, not even a soloist or someone who has been personally acknowledged before.

no matter how hard I practiced, how many hours I sat at that piano...no one saw. the fire that I had in my heart for music when I first came, it has been constantly doused with words like "your rhythm is completely off", "you're not practicing enough", "you don't even try". On top of that, seeing the "talented" ones perform, the rich and wealthy donating funds, hearing the high-ups sing praises of my peers that came in a notch more experienced than me...it killed the burning aspirations.

I always told myself I wouldn't drop music, not for my life, but I was forced to go back on my word and re-think.

how much have I sacrificed for music that I could've used to do something that could possibly bring me better results? why don't I see anything yet? no one recognises my efforts, or bothers to encourage me with useful words.
I'm sorry, I can't "take my time". Time is money, and money is what I need help with. I cannot expect my parents to fund my music education till the day where I finally become successful or something. I have siblings that need attention too. and everyone knows that the pursuit of arts is expensive.

I play the piano. and I like it. but I hate the world whenever I meet horrible people. I'm sure everyone does.

God, I put everything into your hands. if truly, my calling is to be someone great, then, show me a sign. because I feel like a useless, uninteresting nobody right now.

A butterfly landed.7:10 AM
I love the way you are.♥