I wish that I had a soul mate to talk to, someone that will listen to my problems and talk with me late at night and let me cry my heart out and get over it. Because lately, there's just been no right occasion and every time there is no order of things that will lead up to the right moment. In other words, I want to find someone who has the same spirit of wondering like me. These few days I have been very mentally active, but no one knows my secrets and it's hard to tell them to people who must never be told, because some things lead to bigger things which, with the immaturity and lack of understanding from others, will lead to chaos. Also, I cannot completely divulge everything yet because some things must never be known by people interacting within the same environment.

sometimes I look at groups of people, talking together and laughing together, and then I look at myself, and I find that i'm interested in neither celebrity gossip, nor american reality series, nor card games, nor the cutest guy participating in the Olympics. And because I know nothing about these things, I have nothing to say, and for the same reasons I'm always somewhat awkward because I never know anything about the latest gossip about who-and-who or so-and-so and I rely highly on interpretation which never really gets me too far with regards to the details.

And so, sometimes I feel like a misfit and an 'outsider' that never really belongs anywhere. but I realise that there is nothing wrong with my mental orientation because it is not wrong to wish to be proper. However, for some reason I get the feeling that people think I'm 'boring' and 'uninteresting', which makes me feel sad because every now and then I'd like to feel that people are genuinely interested in befriending someone like me, but it never actually happens. Sometimes, I get the feeling that despite what the high-ups have said recently, they are not interested in me as well.

speaking of which, I have a very important point to make. Recently, the high-ups have come to the year 4s and started talking to us strangely. My assumption is because many people have made the decision to leave the school this year, and many more are considering. This makes me feel like I will be graduating in a really small cohort.

anyhow, from whatever they said it seems as though they are discouraging us from leaving by convincing us that there is a place for us in this school. And they made it sound ideal, like everyone can achieve their dream.

i'm not gonna deny that it is true that everyone can achieve their dream, but although this is true it is also a fact that many people in this world have been unable to achieve their dreams. Why? That's because they lack either time or money. and remember that in every social environment where there is interaction, a caste system will always exist whether or not it is implemented, which is why communism is an idealism and cannot come to pass. there will always be the top few who are talented and rich, and the majority that is average, and a minority which are weak.

and I argue that because the school is a developing school, their resources will first be allocated to their top talents in order to slowly establish their reputation. Because of this, it is unfortunate that not everyone will receive the same treatment, and all the talk about how everyone is special in the eyes of the high-ups is a bunch of crap. In fact, I think it is safe to say that some people will remain as faceless and as unknown as they are right now. Also, not everyone is given recognition. That is standard.

despite having more things to say, I refuse to accuse the school of anything yet; I choose to believe that in the time I have left, I will finally achieve my goal. I choose to trust the hope that this system is not one of hierarchy and biasedness.

However, I do caution people who wish to enter that this school is a place where the rich and talented sit on top. And unless you plan to suffer long and hard for the spectacularly amazingly wonderful artistic portfolio that can apparently can change your life for eternity that is promised at the end of 6 years, don't come.

unfortunately for me, i have chosen a path that I cannot turn back on. but I believe that all things will work for my good in the name of God along the course of the next two years in the school. and I know that I can become successful in my own ways, even if the school does not choose me.