it's my secret

2011 is ending. and with that, i finally have come to realise that many bad things, but many good things have also happened to me.




it has come to my attention that for my age i'm apparently not very good at socialising.
as in, i can make friends but i just dont do mass befriending because it isnt in my league.


example #1 (which is probably what i'm most irritated with)
it took me 4 years to actually talk and have a formal introduction with this person (who is really hard to get to know) properly while it took this completely new girl 6 months.


example #2
i realised that i dont actually have any friends left because all my friends are leaving SOTA and 'all my friends' applies to really few people which means i have really few friends.


example #3
parties are just not for me. i realised that everytime i'm at one i get really awkward because i know no one well and i have no one to talk to so i always find myself hiding away in a corner or following this one person i know all around like a piece of sticky gum. recently i went to the level party and i found myself really awkward. i couldnt even talk to some people properly and i just zoned out.




so basically, it boils down to my fear that i'm gonna be alone. i know that Jesus will never leave me but ultimately, i need human company too like how God saw that Adam needed Eve as a friend and a partner. i really don't like being alone. it is actually something that i have kept to myself for a long time.


just the other day, the pastor made a call for someone who was a believer but felt lonely and afraid. i knew it was me because when he said "if you're this person-" i kept thinking "dont call me out dont call me out dont call me out" and he hesitated for a while and said "I just want to pray for you " instead so i choose to believe that it was the Spirit that conveyed this.


and i didnt share this because i felt that the more i share the more people judge me.


there's just so many things that are so hard to express that it makes me feel slightly frustrated that no one actually will know who i really am and what i'm really like.


sometimes i feel very frustrated at how the people whom i want myself to be made known to are so close and yet so far.




anyway, a lot of good things have happened too :)


this year in church i befriended a lot of people that i never thought i would even talk to.
it took time, but some of them were friendly :) I also have grown closer to God and i think of Jesus every now and then which is good because last time i didnt think of God for a week. and i know that he thinks of me all the time so it isnt that bad :)


i choose to believe that 2012 will be good even though i feel shaky. because feelings dont last, but God does. and if my paths truly drip with abundance then this will overflow even more into 2012. unmerited favour.


sometimes i think that im the happiest when i dont know anything.
but on the other hand, it's not right.


For he has given me peace it will be with me forever.




Amen.

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