november

it's november, and today's also the last day of school.


i don't even know what being a year 3 feels like because this year's passed so fast, i had no time to breathe until now.
i don't even feel 15. i keep thinking i'm 12.
but the fact is, i've changed and i'm different and i feel that these unexplainable feelings of anticipation and suspense of my future is what i'm actually afraid but excited about, because everything happened so fast.


last year, i thought i knew what i wanted, i thought i didn't have what others did. but i realised this year that i don't actually know what i want in life apart from the fact that i want to do well and glorify God and my family, who has been looked down upon by those worthless fools for years.


yesterday i had my scholarship audition. yes, i was shortlisted, i thank God for that. on a happier note i felt that i did my best. i really focused. i want to thank everyone, especially my best friends and my family and God and EXTREME and everyone who rooted for me. even if i don't get the scholarship, my journey is not over and i always have better places to go since anything in this world is possible with God and good grades and a good attitude. but if i do get the scholarship then of course, this desire for success will be fulfilled.


anyway, my point is that mr tan or i-can't-remember-his-name-but-i-know-he's-the-head-of-visual-arts-mister asked me what i wanted to be when i grow up.
and honestly, i didn't know what to answer because i didn't want to lie that i know i definitely want to be a concert performer.
the thing is, if i can be one, then i'll be the best i can. but realistically, how far can i go with such a job when it is very clear that traditional european classical music is but a mirage of what it once was? if this trend takes a turn for the worse in the future then i'd still live my life practicing traditional art but i honestly won't use it as my rice bowl. i have responsibilities of repaying my parents and i won't shirk them for the selfish sake of pursuing an unbecoming illusion.


so i don't actually know what i want. i thought for sure that i'd want to be married, that i wanted someone, that this year specifically that i would have someone to like again.


but i don't know why, somehow, i haven't actually been serious about such things at all to the point that i think that it is foolish. and i also realised that part of me liked being alone.


i like being alone because i don't have to adhere to people's crap and i can live by MY moral standards and MY peace and no noise and disturbance because to me, a lot of my peers seem to be interested in things that are apparently very attractive, but to me they just don't seem to mean anything, and these things are worthless to me but i don't tell everyone that they should think the same way i do. but some people don't respect me because i am like that and they think of me as a 'loser' because they perceive me as someone who is very 'outdated'.


unfortunately i have to say that if everyone thinks in this way then i think that everyone is very shallow. but thankfully, i haven't actually met too many people of this sort, but since i haven't met anyone who is like-minded with me i don't happen to identify with anyone in particular and i don't think that anyone on this Earth will truly understand what kind of a person i am, which is why i have thought about it and i don't mind being alone since i have noticed that most guys i know aren't really interested in someone who has a character like me and also that they like pretty girls and that i'm repulsive to most people.


i'd like to be gentler and more calm and sane but when i do that i find people taking me for granted and people disrespecting me. which is sad, so i don't think i'll be like that to anyone except maybe children and animals.


so i don't actually expect anything, and in any case i don't think i'd be too sad.


before i also used to care a lot about what others thought of me. i still do, but only selectively now because i realised that some people are not worthy of my attention at all. especially the haters and whatnot.


when i think to myself about this i really can't believe that i've changed so much.


i think i'm the sort of person who goes at my own pace and who does things the way i want to do it. i have my own set of morals and principles and i dont like it when people can't respect them.


so i guess i dont get along with people too easily.


i'm similar, but i'm different too. and it's the differences that are increasingly hard to identify, sometimes even I myself don't understand why i act the way i do.




as always, the ending is awkward.
-silence-

A butterfly landed.6:06 AM
I love the way you are.♥