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Date : Sunday, April 7, 2013 so 2013 is here, and there has been a lot going on.
this year, there have been many changes, many things that have happened, and yes,we've finished a quarter of the year already. there has been many things on my mind, work, IB, but I can't help but think that there's something I wish I had that I've never had before. for those who actually read this still, and not my tumblr, then you'll probably know. there are just things that I think of that I don't say. sometimes, well... I wish there was an occasion where I'm completely allowed to be spoilt rotten and selfish, you know, throw everything back for a day and let people adore and love me like I'm some bratty princess. I've always dreamed of throwing a big birthday bash and inviting my whole class with everyone showing up and then I get to have a table chock-full of presents that I cannot count with all my fingers, and then I'll have a sleepover with my favourite girlfriends and we'll all talk about nonsensical girly stuff on a king sized bed and all that spoilt whatnots, but no. It's not gonna happen. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate what I already have. It's just that, I don't have all that many friends, or at least I don't have all that many people to invite anyway. I'm not a child anymore, and I have to grow up. I wish I could hug a giant teddy bear to sleep on a big, comfy bed and sleep for as long as I want to in the comfort of my large bedroom and wake up to a sunny happy day with a puppy running towards me but no, just no. I wish that when I cried a random prince will just appear in front of me and tell me that he wants to see my smiling face because it's pretty and all that cheesy nonsense but no, I live in reality. is it wrong that I have these thoughts? It's selfish, conceited and maybe even disgusting. but how I wish that for once, I could be a pampered, spoilt little girl with nothing to care about. A butterfly landed.7:20 AM
Date : Monday, November 26, 2012 HAPPILY EVER AFTER
Just had a long-good-catch-up-heart-to-heart-girls talk with good friends yesterday after service and I thought about a few things myself that night.
And I figured, it's not the right time for a relationship yet but since I'm sort of "of age" to think about these kinds of things, I felt for once that I'd ought to seriously consider the kind of person I want to be married to in the future. I know it's weird to think of these things when there are more pressing issues like IB per say, but hey, it makes sense to plan for your future when you're free. - - Every time people ask me the question "hey Danielle, when do you think is the correct time for dating" or "when do you want to get married" I realise that I rarely think of these things though I think unconsciously of the subject of "love" pretty often. And at the same time, I always feel like all the guys around me are either my good friends which I like but don't "like-like" or crappy boogers that I can't be bothered to take a second look at. A few do hover within the range of "hey I might come to like you, but erm, maybe not after all?" kind but usually I end up thinking that it's best I don't involve myself with these people. So then, I end up scanning my memories of my friends or random people for casual references, but then I divert and think of other things, especially things like "what kind of guy will do this for me" and "nobody's ever done that for me before" or "the last time I thought this way of these guys but they ended up to be insensitive, self-centered freaks" I though at first "maybe it's my problem that I'm not exactly a very likable girl" when I considered my school, but then I realised that my school doesn't have any guy who's worthy of any good girl. And I honestly think that I may not be very pretty or sociable but truthfully I'm not some loose wanton who goes around seeking attention, and I prioritise the right things such as studies and Jesus, and you gotta admit that realistically speaking, I'm not the ugliest girl in the world. So obviously, the next pool of people that I'm within would be the church. But again, I realised that there isn't anyone that I particularly like and there isn't anyone who has done anything that special for only me that I'd take note of. I have to confess, the guys in church are wayyyyyyyy better than any other groups of guys I've met. But technically, they treat all girls well(at least in my opinion) because it's the general protocol. Ideally, I'd like to think that two people who get married in the future should meet at a young age because it's like they grew up together and they know each other well and they don't actually start dating although they like each other until the time is absolutely right and when the special moment comes marriage is ordained unto them and they become one in the presence of God and many witnesses during their wedding. …... …... ...but well, it seems like this hasn't really happened to me yet… So whenever people pop such questions to me I often end up asking myself whether I will be single forever because I start to think of my forever alone moments…(e.g how I often walk in the rain alone with no one offering to share their umbrella with me) But I truly hope I will marry someone I love who has a heart for God and for me, and who will rise up to protect his loved ones with nobility and courage… Yes it's true, often, I am the one in the corner of the crowded room or at the back of the crowd by myself, listening to everything that's going on… I keep quiet, but I pay attention and I hear what people say. That is why, I will always remember the people who say to me "Hey, don't stand there, come here and join us" even if I don't end up joining them. I hope one day, someone I love will say that to me, because it shows that he has noticed me of his own accord and has chosen to extend his hand of friendship to me. I guess I just have an eye for such details. Sometimes, I don't know if it's me or God, but I always hear a voice that tells me "the rarest find is found by the bravest treasurer", "the most fragrant flower is sought by the most beautiful butterfly", "The hidden princess is always discovered by the King of Kings". I'm not sure if this means that I will find a good person I love one day, but I'd like to think that one day, someone will come and sweep me right off my feet (metaphorically, of course). I hope that I can meet this person I will love soon, maybe when I graduate to Arrow, maybe in the last month of this year or so and I do hope that he'll find me in the place I want to be found-the church. A butterfly landed.1:00 AM
Date : Sunday, November 4, 2012 Surprise! It's November
School is out! :) and I've been in a great mood recently :) But at times like these, I start to think of things that aren't important… things like… … … It's been a cool year, 10 months has passed like a breeze! Looking back, there were both bad and good memories. 2012 has been a pretty interesting year for me because of the church. 2012 LEGACY was epic. This year's camp passed WAYYY quicker than last year's. and now I'm official! 16 haha. darn I wish I could be 16 forever. Sounds like a pretty good idea to me. But I guess life goes on? I don't really have much to say, sometimes I feel like my life is generally boring in stark comparison to those people on TV. I guess I'm pretty low-profile. But I do notice a lot of things around me, and sometimes I just pretend that I don't know for the sake of maintaining normality… I'm not as "slow" as people think I am. True, I don't keep up with trends as well as my friends do, but it doesn't mean that my interpretive abilities are equally ignorant. I do realise what generally happens around me most of the time. It's just that, sometimes I pretend that I don't know because I don't want to make things awkward between people. I do like being ignorant of certain things too. I don't feel the need to know everything unless it regards my friends or myself, or people I'm interested in. my point of saying this is to tell people that I'm no fool. Sometimes, I feel that some people treat me too lightly with no importance because they feel that i'm someone who "doesn't know anything." But I do. I just choose to live the way I want to. Well, I guess I don't have any major upcoming trips. I'm not going to Israel this year… ): Reason? well if anyone wants to know they can just ask me… I think I need more friends/good publicity haha. Sometimes when I need help from the people around me I find that I don't actually know anyone in certain situations… Since I don't usually do this, I guess now is a good time to talk about something that has been bothering me for some time. I have a friend, whom I met in my old church when I was 9 going on to 10. He is three years older than me and I remember his name and face. I did like him very much as a friend, but one day for unknown reasons I never saw him ever again, and I never knew it would be the last time I would ever see him. I always felt sad, even when I had lots of favour and new found friends in my new church, that i never got to say goodbye properly. We talked a lot as kids and I never actually understood what he told me when I was young, but I remember what he said and when I think about it now, I know what he means. He always said that he felt like "a black sheep" wherever he went, and that he just never found the motivation to do things in life because "everyone stares at me with that kind of look." I don't remember much, but as a kid I was really aloof and dense and right now I think back and I regret for not understanding and not saying things I should have said. At least, he attended church last time and in the church there was imperfection, but still, there was good company, but now, I don't know where he is and I heard a lot of strange things about him. My parents never approved of him as a friend, and now when I think back, I guess I could understand why. I never saw him again, but I heard that he went wayward and mixed with bad company. I even heard that now, he's a father? I hope this isn't true, because he's only 19. and I'm not saying that it's bad, but to settle down at 19 in a place like Singapore? I'm not too sure about that. I regret not understanding what he said last time. perhaps, if I did, I could direct him back to Jesus, and then maybe, he would be saved from the darkness? I don't know. If he's happy, then I guess I'm happy for him… but is he really happy? with what is at hand? I don't know. I just want to say this to anyone who reads this, if you have a friend like that, please do something, save him or her from the darkness of this world, don't keep quiet. and if you are one of the people who feel this way, like you never fit in, you're always being bullied… well, the Shine auditorium at shaw towers is open for service every 11 am on sundays, you're not alone, and there are people in church who will love you for who you are, and Jesus is here for everyone. He is for you too. Lastly, if you are somehow that friend that I was talking about and somehow, somewhere in the world you are reading this, I hope you remember who "Danielle" is. And please don't go any further with any of those bad friends anymore… I am truly sorry that I never understood what you said. But I do now, and I hope that wherever you are, may you know that Jesus really loves you and you are precious to him, don't do anything stupid with your life. A butterfly landed.8:22 PM
Date : Wednesday, October 3, 2012 Good morning October
I am back!
sigh my head really hurts from all that studying… How I wish that we all don't have to study. Recently, I became 16. I'm sort of happy and sad, for a few reasons I guess. I'm thankful to everyone who wished me :) this year i think I can safely say that I was pretty satisfied with my birthday compared to the past few years. And haha I'm a legal kid now hohoho. Unfortunately NC-16 movies aren't exactly my type. I am happy to have my friends. God has placed them by my side. :) But I was a little bitter about becoming 16. I'm not a child anymore, and no more acting cute or being silly because maturity is to self-image as actions are to behaviour. I was "15 for a moment" hahaha. but the thing is, what if I don't want to grow up? I think I never did fantasise about becoming an adult, though I liked teenage clothes and whatever kind of interesting (but nonsensical) stuff that the media made me think being an adult was. I have to admit, I'm afraid to become an adult because I'm afraid that the world will once again change to the extent that I cannot cope with it. I have experienced this once. When I graduated from GEMS to DARE. The change was so dramatic, I hated it all. And I ran away, but it never did solve anything, and eventually, I had to come back. Sometimes, I find myself perpetually thinking about my past, my childhood, and then I turn bitter when I realised how carefree I was back then. Even if people told me that my "don't bother attitude" was not a good thing, at least I was worry-free and I couldn't care less. But why do I care so much now? I care about everything, my face, my body, my intelligence, my talent-and the world made me see my lack in them all. Why did it suddenly become so difficult to trust everyone? I want to trust Jesus, but my mind is so overwhelmed by everything sometimes I just feel so drained and unable to do anything. I wish I could literally sit back and let him do the work for me, but no, I still have to study, I have to spend wisely, I have to eat healthily, I have to…I have to… It all becomes "I have to" and somehow it's very difficult. What is truth? Is truth what the majority believes or is truth something that we won't actually know about? I feel so lost at times. I try to console myself by telling myself that it will all be okay, but my heart can become weak and my soul, dry. I cast all my care upon HIM, I lay all of my burdens down at HIS feet. I really do hope that by saying this, Jesus will help me and just heal my weary soul. I want to feel at rest and at peace always. I hope that my birthday wish will come true. Many people would like to think that a girl my age would wish for things like "oh I hope he will like me back", "I do want to become prettier" or "I want to be the most popular girl at school". I confess, these thoughts do cross my mind every now and then. After all, I still am a kid. I don't think that I'm the wisest of my age, (though I secretly wish I were) but I know that the present requires something far more important than all these. And although I tell my friends childish things, I rarely actually worry about them first. Worrying is a sin, so I do hope I will never worry again. I would like to think that every time I sigh, there is someone that catches it and is there to hold my heart and tell me "It's alright". I hope that I actually can hear His voice. My mind speaks pretty loud in my head too. Yes, I would like to look back at these things that I am writing now and smile, because I know that I am no longer burdened by them. After all, they say He can make my scars of today the Stars of my tomorrow. A butterfly landed.3:37 AM
Date : Monday, September 3, 2012 HELLO SEPTEMBER
So...it's September?
boy that was quick. since when was it even 2012? I remember everything like yesterday. All the silly chat about how the world was gonna end, the facebook trend, primary school, it all seems like a dream. Many things make me wonder about how my life would have been if it weren't for everything that had happened up til now. Sometimes I ask God why I was ever born because it seems as though i've never actually been able to do anything that i really want. at least, up til now. when I was a kid, i knew little about everything, so i said I would be a hairdresser. but I never actually learnt how to tie my hair until I was 12 years old. even now, I don't know how to do elaborate and pretty braids and such. so then, I watched TV and saw kids my age, some younger. then I told myself I wanted to become an actress and be on TV like those kids and be famous and meet lots of people. But it never happened, in fact, i'm conversely a relatively uninteresting person whom my schoolmates don't even bother with. when I was 9 years old, i joined the school choir, and i heard this girl who was two years older than me sing "colours of the wind". So I told myself that i'd sing, but it didn't happen because I was always just one voice among many voices that didn't really stand out. then I realised that i did ballet and dance so I could become a dancer. But my mom always told me that I couldn't dance, that I only danced to look pretty. I felt condemned and unworthy. So i quit. And all along, I played the piano, I loved music...so one day, when I was 12 years old, I decided that I would go to SOTA and pursue the arts and become a true blue musician. but things took a turn for the worse, because my confidence diminished when I realised that I wasn't THAT talented after all, and the school...I'm just one of its many faceless students, not even a soloist or someone who has been personally acknowledged before. no matter how hard I practiced, how many hours I sat at that piano...no one saw. the fire that I had in my heart for music when I first came, it has been constantly doused with words like "your rhythm is completely off", "you're not practicing enough", "you don't even try". On top of that, seeing the "talented" ones perform, the rich and wealthy donating funds, hearing the high-ups sing praises of my peers that came in a notch more experienced than me...it killed the burning aspirations. I always told myself I wouldn't drop music, not for my life, but I was forced to go back on my word and re-think. how much have I sacrificed for music that I could've used to do something that could possibly bring me better results? why don't I see anything yet? no one recognises my efforts, or bothers to encourage me with useful words. I'm sorry, I can't "take my time". Time is money, and money is what I need help with. I cannot expect my parents to fund my music education till the day where I finally become successful or something. I have siblings that need attention too. and everyone knows that the pursuit of arts is expensive. I play the piano. and I like it. but I hate the world whenever I meet horrible people. I'm sure everyone does. God, I put everything into your hands. if truly, my calling is to be someone great, then, show me a sign. because I feel like a useless, uninteresting nobody right now. A butterfly landed.7:10 AM
Date : Friday, August 3, 2012 AHHHHH~ I'm back :) the new template took such a long time to fix ): i'm glad it's up now :) but sigh the whole of July I just didn't have time to blog because of all the work and how I simply had no time to fix my old template when the image got deleted ): Recently, my July schedule has been really packed, with work. Assignment after assignment, deadline after deadline. And by the grace of Jesus I have made it through. And there is one thing that I have to confess I've wanted. I wish that I had a soul mate to talk to, someone that will listen to my problems and talk with me late at night and let me cry my heart out and get over it. Because lately, there's just been no right occasion and every time there is no order of things that will lead up to the right moment. In other words, I want to find someone who has the same spirit of wondering like me. These few days I have been very mentally active, but no one knows my secrets and it's hard to tell them to people who must never be told, because some things lead to bigger things which, with the immaturity and lack of understanding from others, will lead to chaos. Also, I cannot completely divulge everything yet because some things must never be known by people interacting within the same environment. sometimes I look at groups of people, talking together and laughing together, and then I look at myself, and I find that i'm interested in neither celebrity gossip, nor american reality series, nor card games, nor the cutest guy participating in the Olympics. And because I know nothing about these things, I have nothing to say, and for the same reasons I'm always somewhat awkward because I never know anything about the latest gossip about who-and-who or so-and-so and I rely highly on interpretation which never really gets me too far with regards to the details. And so, sometimes I feel like a misfit and an 'outsider' that never really belongs anywhere. but I realise that there is nothing wrong with my mental orientation because it is not wrong to wish to be proper. However, for some reason I get the feeling that people think I'm 'boring' and 'uninteresting', which makes me feel sad because every now and then I'd like to feel that people are genuinely interested in befriending someone like me, but it never actually happens. Sometimes, I get the feeling that despite what the high-ups have said recently, they are not interested in me as well. speaking of which, I have a very important point to make. Recently, the high-ups have come to the year 4s and started talking to us strangely. My assumption is because many people have made the decision to leave the school this year, and many more are considering. This makes me feel like I will be graduating in a really small cohort. anyhow, from whatever they said it seems as though they are discouraging us from leaving by convincing us that there is a place for us in this school. And they made it sound ideal, like everyone can achieve their dream. i'm not gonna deny that it is true that everyone can achieve their dream, but although this is true it is also a fact that many people in this world have been unable to achieve their dreams. Why? That's because they lack either time or money. and remember that in every social environment where there is interaction, a caste system will always exist whether or not it is implemented, which is why communism is an idealism and cannot come to pass. there will always be the top few who are talented and rich, and the majority that is average, and a minority which are weak. and I argue that because the school is a developing school, their resources will first be allocated to their top talents in order to slowly establish their reputation. Because of this, it is unfortunate that not everyone will receive the same treatment, and all the talk about how everyone is special in the eyes of the high-ups is a bunch of crap. In fact, I think it is safe to say that some people will remain as faceless and as unknown as they are right now. Also, not everyone is given recognition. That is standard. despite having more things to say, I refuse to accuse the school of anything yet; I choose to believe that in the time I have left, I will finally achieve my goal. I choose to trust the hope that this system is not one of hierarchy and biasedness. However, I do caution people who wish to enter that this school is a place where the rich and talented sit on top. And unless you plan to suffer long and hard for the spectacularly amazingly wonderful artistic portfolio that can apparently can change your life for eternity that is promised at the end of 6 years, don't come. unfortunately for me, i have chosen a path that I cannot turn back on. but I believe that all things will work for my good in the name of God along the course of the next two years in the school. and I know that I can become successful in my own ways, even if the school does not choose me. A butterfly landed.3:49 AM
Date : Friday, June 29, 2012 what is favour? I prompt you to check the dictionary. it's exactly as it says.
the first week of school just ended, and along with it many issues have occurred. about CHC,I have a lot of things to say. although most of you would know that I'm actually from NCC and not CHC, I'd like to say a word of defense for them to the public as well as fellow Christians. For the public and the media, I'd like to pose a question: If the church donates whole-heartedly and willingly with no complaint to CHC knowing that their money could be used by the leaders to do anything, what business is it of yours to care about us Christians? Are you indignant for them, because you feel like they have wasted their money, or are you jealous because their church is so prosperous to the extent that you wish to destroy the pastors? 50 million, or so I heard, is not a small amount. However, why do you even care? it is the church's money after all, and they decide what they do with their money. not you. Also, if you have the intentions of branding all mega-churches as shams that suck money, don't bother. Well, if you aren't Christian, this is for you. No one is asking you to care about us Christians. Go live your happy life out there in the world, we absolutely do not care about you unless you actually are interested in following Jesus. You really do not need to be so caring as to feel indignant for us members who sow our money to our churches. go live your life. don't poke your nose into the church if you aren't willing to follow Jesus. and it's their money. CHC members' money. not yours. the 5o mil, if it actually exists, belongs to THEM. run along, they do not need you to feel sorry for them, because it is us who should be sorry for those who have nothing better to do. For fellow Christians, I wish to say this: you should be ashamed of yourselves should you be happy that their pastors are in trouble. I recognise that CHC has a bad reputation and many people from their do not bear good testimonies of themselves. I admit, before this I personally did not approve much of them. But I wonder, how much do we actually know about them? do you attend their church? do you know each and every one's story personally? If you don't, know one thing: don't even try to judge them. because no one is perfect, everyone has sin. Including me and YOU. and sin is sin. there is no such thing as "his sin is worse than mine". sin is sin and you are equally full of sin. Secondly, as Christians we should not condemn our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. remember this: God loves his children. and we are all His children. so we should support each other in times of need such as now. not condemn them and say they deserve it. because if the pastors do get convicted, it's only gonna leave a bad name on Jesus and put more stains on our faces. it's simply RIDICULOUS that you even begin to condemn them. we should pray for them. Lastly, even if the pastors really did do something, why should we let them fall into the hands of man? GOD is the ruler. if anyone should punish them first HE should. not you nor I nor the world. remember the story of Jesus and the adulteress? he said: " Let anyone who is sinless cast the first stone." and no one did because no one is sinless except Jesus. So i urge you, pray for them to not fall into the hands of man. because the Church and JESUS should settle our own affairs. not the world. I hope this has let everyone know that CHC is not a perfect church but is still loved by GOD. and no one, including myself, has the right to pass negative judgement them at this very point of time. so please, think about it, and before you think of condemning them, ask yourself whether you'd like to be in their position. A butterfly landed.5:20 AM
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Welcome. Danielle :) Jesus is the center. butterflies, music, dance and drawing. art. :) SWEETS, and flowers. pink roses are my favourite. 27/9 :) school of the arts, singapore, music, piano grade 8.:D an occasional drama queen who wants to become prettier and maintain good grades for the rest of her school years. I want to learn how to fly. June 2010 September 2010 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 April 2013 - YVETTE<3 - NATALIE<3 - Claudia:D - Rachael:D - Joshua:D - Lydia :D - Denise :D - Jasmine:) - Clarise:) - Liyan:) - Cara:) - Mindy:)   Music Playlist at MixPod.com |
